If you’re feeling lost as a midlife neurodivergent woman, you’re not alone. And you’re not without hope. Read on for my story, along with 4 ways to rediscover meaning.
The story.
I have a love-hate relationship with ChatGPT. At that particular moment, it was leaning toward love, because its words were reverberating inside my soul like a beacon of light.
For the past several years, I’d struggled with what I was supposed to be doing with my time. I loved to teach, but no way would I ever darken the door of a school again. I was burned out on writing novels, and beginning to doubt God had ever called me to do that. Repeated prayers on the issue had led to no answers.
This day that I was talking with Chat, I was well on my way to recovery from several moderate injuries that had required several months of rest. I was chomping at the bit to get started on a creative project, any creative project, but nothing felt right.
Maybe God was speaking (finally!) through the AI that day, because the words on the screen landed perfectly in my heart.
Why hadn’t I considered that possibility before?
What possibility? You ask. Keep reading. (Moo, ha-ha.)
Finding purpose after 40: Why is it such a challenge?
Many, many women struggle with sensing a purpose for their lives as they near, and pass through, menopause. The reasons are several:
- Lowering levels of estrogen lead to lowering levels of serotonin and dopamine, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of indifference.
- The drop in estrogen can also cause sleep problems as well as menopause brain fog. Either challenge makes it hard to figure out what to wear today, let alone what to do with the rest of our lives.
- A sad lot of woman get divorced in middle age, causing their whole world to turn upside down.
- Many women become empty nesters. Or, they have teenage children who are mostly independent. This leaves a void.
- Life experience has left some of them cynical. Doing something to make even a small difference in the world seems like a futile waste of time.
The impact on 45+ autistic women and women with ADHD.
All of this hits harder for neurodivergent women. We’ve been dealing with lower-than-average levels of the “feel-good” brain neurotransmitters for our entire lives. The sudden drop in estrogen exacerbates the mood challenges.
Also, most of us are highly sensitive emotionally. Typical changes in midlife bring on waves of negative emotion that are usually stronger than our neurotypical cohorts experience. We empathize with Anne of Green Gables in her feeling of being “in the depths of despair.”
In addition, our already barely-in-control anxiety goes nuts as we begin to feel every tiny change in our bodies and wonder if it’s signaling the beginning of a terminal disease.
Who can figure out the meaning of life when one day you’re developing a brain tumor, and the next you have liver disease? Who even cares?
Except, on the calm days, the days when you think finally, life might be getting a teeny, tiny bit easier… you do care.
Then what? How do you keep from feeling like the world is dropping out from under you?
How to reclaim meaning when your hormones are laughing at you.
Your first step is to realize that truth doesn’t change. If your life had purpose and meaning before, it has purpose and meaning now. Emotions and fatigue have a way of clouding the truth, but a cloud isn’t the same as a black hole.
The next step is to consider the following four ways of finding purpose again. They are not mutually exclusive; you may find that applying two of the four suggestions work in tandem to help you rediscover meaning.
Let’s look at them, starting with the one I know you’ve been waiting for with baited breath: the words that ChatGPT had “spoken.”
Consider that you may be in a time of rest.
For many people, midlife is a transitional time. As a younger person, you may have found purpose in being more active, seeing more of the world, throwing yourself into a cause or business or job that you believed was important.
Now that you’re older, you want to slow down, live more quietly. I’ve found it interesting that a lot of middle-aged people do like my husband and I did: quit the city life for a more peaceful life in a rural setting.
But even though you willingly make a change, after a while you start to miss the work and opportunities you used to have. Yet, the thought of returning to your old life ties a knot in your stomach. Deep inside, you know that phase of your life has ended.
Autistic women over 45 grow frustrated that they can’t find anything to sustain their interest. Women with ADHD over 45 grow anxious that not only does none of their hobbies appeal now, but also everything new they try just feels… wrong.
If either scenario resonates, consider that, at this moment, you are meant to be resting.
That means, it’s time to relax. To play. To have the fun that you’ve missed because you’ve been so focused on working or raising children or raising a husband.
If I’d known several years ago that I was in a period of rest – and that the rest phase was going to last for years – I would have relaxed and enjoyed life and my family instead of trying to force a purpose on myself.
So above all, ask yourself: “Am I meant to be resting right now? Just enjoying life?”
Allow yourself to grieve.
Have you recently lost a loved one? Divorced? Been forced to downsize?
Has your last child recently left the “nest” to go make a life for themselves? Have you had to move away from family and friends due to health concerns? Or because your husband’s job required it?
Perhaps you’re having to watch an elderly parent take the slow journey toward death.
In such cases, consider that the reason you’re struggling to find meaning in midlife has nothing to do with hormones, and everything to do with your emotional needs. Your priority right now should be going through the grieving process. I can almost guarantee you that once you’re on the other side, the way forward will be much clearer to you.
Do something. Anything.
Fatigue and brain fog have a way of lulling you into lethargy and inaction. Could it be that the issue at hand is Newton’s First Law of Motion? That you can’t see a way forward because you’re not moving forward?
If that’s the case, the answer is simple: do something. Just a small something.
Choose one of the activities that used to give you joy, and work on it for fifteen minutes.
- Make a simple holiday craft.
- Play an instrument or sing.
- Write an essay, poem, or short-short story.
- Make a five-minute video.
- Bake a half batch of cookies, or prepare a simple one-pot meal.
- Play with your watercolor paints.
- Make a comment online that answers the question of either an O.P. or a fellow follower.
Try one different thing a day for a week. At the end of the week, see if just getting yourself to move hasn’t reignited an interest.
Help somebody.
Face it: if you’re feeling lost, you’re doing a whole lot of thinking about yourself. Without fail, this kind of self-focus eventually leads to a negative downward spiral of thoughts.
As far as I know, there’s only one remedy for this: get out there and help somebody.
You can do it online. You can do it in person. You can volunteer with children or elderly, or simply determine that you’re going to take advantage of small opportunities to help as they come your way.
What if finding meaning is exactly that?
It might be that helping others as they cross your path is as complicated as your purpose gets. Both secular and religious “purpose” gurus have spent decades trying to convince us that finding a life of meaning is ridiculously hard. It requires brainstorming and analyzing and prioritizing and creating a list of goals and taking steps every day to meet those goals.
What if, at this stage in your life, rediscovering purpose has nothing to do with all that, and everything to do with enjoying life and serving where you can along the way? After all, as a woman nearing – or having past – the age of fifty, you have a lot of skills and knowledge to share.
Take the journey gently, lightly. No trying to force things into being. This is the way to attain meaning and fulfillment.
