Getting rid of the “shoulds” in life is vital for the fulfillment of midlife and older neurodivergent women. How to do it with grace and respect.
The story.
The 1600 square-foot garden, empty except for a few herbs and the ubiquitous weeds, mocked me. Self-loathing rose up inside like a hot coal. I should try harder. Or, no, I shouldn’t have let myself get so excited at the idea of being able to grow most of our own produce. I should’ve known the summers would have been too miserable for working outside.
I turned slowly, wiping sweat off from underneath my nose. I shouldn’t have ever listened to the stupid permaculture gurus. Or read that book that convinced me that I was going to die of malnutrition unless I ate vegetables that I grew for myself.
I should have known better. I should have prayed harder before making my husband spend hours and days and weeks building all the different structures in the garden.
I just… should have.
The invisible backpack of neurodivergent “should.”
If you’re reading this article, chances are high that, like me, you’ve made decisions in your life that ended up being the wrong ones. And many of those decisions came from someone else’s idea of the ideal life or lifestyle. In your brain, they became “should.”
By the time we’re in our forties, we neurodivergent women are carrying around a lot of those “shoulds.” Those who tend toward ADHD think they should be more organized, be able to keep a clean house, and generally have it together “by now.”
Those who tend toward autistic traits constantly berate themselves that they should enjoy socializing, should know how to communicate so as not to offend, should be able to control their hand-flapping or pacing or swaying.
All of us have probably scolded ourselves at one time or another that “I should be able to remember better than this!”
And then, we hit our mid-forties. Decades of masking have ingrained all this “shoulding,” plus hormonal changes affect both executive function and mood. On top of that, we’re probably making some sort of life transition, such as scaling back work, changing careers, or becoming an empty nester.
Our invisible backpack grows heavier than ever, because we realize that all of the shoulds that seemed barely possible before are now as attainable as flying to Jupiter under our own power.
In other words, we grow more frustrated and despairing over our inability to do the simplest thing.
Like see into the future and know that gardening in your new home will turn out to be an exercise in futility for a number of reasons.
Not the least of which is that within a few years, the hormonal shifts in your body are going to make you number one, lose most of your energy, and B, not care about dying of malnutrition.
Where do we get all those “shoulds,” anyway?
Like most autistic women, I’m a perfectionist. Okay, recovering perfectionist, though how “recovered” depends on what day it is and whether I managed to get more than four and a half hours of sleep.
When you’re a perfectionist, all of the “shoulds” that build up over time turn into internalized expectations. No one else cares whether we fulfill the self-given obligation. But somehow, somewhere, we decided either that everyone would look down on us if we couldn’t/didn’t do X, or that we would destroy our own lives or seriously disappoint others if we couldn’t/didn’t do Z.
Those internalized expectations are burdensome and stressful, and therefore unhealthy. We can never understand fully our capabilities, limitations, and events that the future will bring. A list of “shoulds” assume that we can, and do.
And that other people are watching us, waiting for our certain failure.
I’m getting dizzy just thinking about it.
The HUGE difference between shoulds and values.
Shoulds are based on expectations, which are usually based on wrong assumptions. Or other people’s ideas of how to live life.
We need to make a paradigm shift. We need to turn away from these expectations and turn toward our values instead.
Values are our guiding stars, as it were. And they are not restricted to a narrow set of actions, but can be manifested in a wide variety of ways.
I value living simply and frugally. Gardening can be a part of that, but circumstances can make gardening complicated, rather than simplify your life.
You might value a strong work ethic. But how much and how hard you can work depends on your sensitivities, energy level, and motivation.
I value the lives of sentient beings. But the most important of those beings are my family, so I’m not going to browbeat my husband or son when we’re at someone else’s house and they enjoy a meal with cheese.
For the sake of your mental health, values need to overshadow the plethora of “shoulds” that you’ve built up over time.
Speaking of your mental health – it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have that in the top five in your list of values.
Stop shoulding on yourself: drop these expectations right now!
You have my permission to stop “shoulding” regarding the following expectations, starting now.
Expectation #1: Neurotypical productivity standards. I’ve already written an entire blog post about thatLINK, so I’m not going to repeat myself here. Suffice to say that if you are not yet retired, try to find work that suits your neurological needs, that doesn’t leave you feeling exhausted and frazzled at the end of the day.
If you have to stay in a job that drains you, mitigate the effects with your home life. Relax there as much as you can.
Expectation #2: Social events that drain.
This can be a tricky one. If you’re married, joining your in-laws for a holiday meal is often a draining social obligation. Yet, it’s something you do for your spouse.
But “should” you attend every wedding, funeral, and baby shower you’re invited to? “Should” you have drinks with co-workers after hours when you know you can’t stand all the noise and odd smells?
Really and truly, the only social “obligation” is one in which your boss has told you that if you don’t show up for it, you’ll be sacked.
For everything else, ask yourself if, number one, you’d like to attend for any reason, even if just to show support for someone. And number two, how you feel if you replace “I should” with “I get to.”
Expectation #3: Appearance.
It’s okay if you only dust your furniture once in a blue moon. It’s okay if your house isn’t perfectly tidy. It’s okay if the laundry from two days ago is still in the dryer.
It’s okay if you drive an old car, your hair needs a cut and style, or your lawn needs mowing. (Well. Unless the city’s property standards person or the neighborhood HOA is going to come around and threaten to fine you for a messy yard. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.)
As a neurodivergent woman in her mid-forties or beyond, you will be much happier and healthier once you stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about how you and your home look.
Expectation #4: “Fixing” yourself.
You don’t need fixing. Or, what you think might need fixing can’t be fixed, only managed.
So stop beating yourself up over your forgetfulness, your touchy emotions, your tardiness, your low motivation, your difficulty reading social cues. Embrace your whole self with all your wonderfulness and your flaws, and enjoy life.
Time for a “Should” audit!
By now, I hope you’re nodding your head in agreement, maybe even chuckling wryly as you’ve been thinking of the various “shoulds” you’ve shoved inside your over-stuffed backpack.
You’re also wondering what to do about it. How do you get out of the habit of shoulding on yourself, and into the habit of living out your values?
The first step is to do a “should” audit. Grab a piece of paper and a pen, sit down, and think for a while. Jot down all the “shoulds” that you’ve dumped on yourself. You may want to take a couple of days to complete the exercise, as things might pop up later that you can’t think of right away.
Next, choose the top five “shoulds”; that is, the five should statements that cause you the greatest turmoil.
Having chosen your top five, trace where each one came from. Was it something one of your parents said? A bully in school? Did you see it in a book you read? Get the idea from watching the life of someone you wanted to emulate when you were younger?
After that, think hard about how those “should” clash with reality, perhaps even against your core values. Analyze them until you realize how unhealthy they are, how off-track they might have led you.
Finally, give yourself permission to remove your invisible backpack, unzip it, and pull out those five should. Imagine them falling to the floor and exploding into nothingness.
Did you do it? If so, my heartiest congratulations. Now you’re probably wondering, “What next?”
How to fill the empty space.
I know from personal experience that once you start booting your “shoulds” out the door, you’re left with a void. Worse for us autistic women, we feel like part of our life scaffolding – however small the part – has been kicked out from underneath.
Our life loses some of its predictability. And that can be scary.
I get that. Totally.
What you first have to realize is that those “shoulds” were not you. They came from outside. Your core being has not packed its bags and driven away. It’s still there, waiting for your attention. Waiting for your nurturing.
Meditating or contemplative prayer is an excellent place to start. Quieting your thoughts and setting all your focus on the present moment helps you to get in touch with your values and your true self.
If you need to do something more active, brainstorm a list of ways of being and living that you believe reflect your authentic self. Alongside it, brainstorm a list of your preferences.
It’s possible that you’ve been ignoring those preferences for decades. Especially if you are married and had children.
Once you start easing away from the “shoulds,” you’ll also find that energy will also fill the void. No longer drained by trying to meet other people’s expectations, you’ll have energy to do the things you really want to do.
All of this amounts to change – good, healthy change. But if you’re married, this can impact your spousal relationship. Sit down and have a long conversation with your husband and explain the internal changes you’ve been working on. Maybe have him read this article. He needs to know that you’re attempting to change for the better, and why.
Hopefully, third-party intervention won’t be necessary, but if the two of you need to see a counselor in order to understand each other, by all means, do it.
And now, take a DEEP breath…
…because it’s time for you to begin to take baby steps. Think of a few micro-actions you can take (or not take, as may be) to ease yourself into your new vibrant, fulfilling life devoid of “shoulds.”
- You’ve “should” dust every week? Don’t dust for the next seven days. Or fourteen days. Hey, go crazy and make it thirty!
- You “should” eat low-carb? Have a fruit bowl for breakfast.
- You “should” accept all social invitations? Turn down the next one you receive.
- You “shouldn’t” leave the lunch dishes until later? Go ahead and wait and wash them with the dinner dishes. (But put them in water to soak so you don’t get mad at me when the food residue requires a jackhammer to get through.)
But, what about the healthy “shoulds”?
Listen, some “shoulds” help you be healthier – physically, emotionally, relationally.
- “I should eat more vegetables.”
- “I should remember my progesterone cream this morning.”
- “I should tell my husband more often how much I appreciate him.”
But that “sh” word turns a good thing into a burden. Train yourself to replace “should” with “I get to” or “I’m privileged to,” and see if your attitude about those healthy obligations doesn’t make a 180.
They will begin to feel like blessings, not burdens.
Finally, you get to live for yourself!
As you gradually release the “shoulds,” something amazing will happen.
Actually, several somethings.
- You’ll have less stress.
- You’ll have more energy.
- You’ll have more time to do the things you want to do.
- You’ll have a better perspective on life and other people. Most importantly…
- You’ll feel more fulfilled than ever.
Because your life will be overflowing with blessings instead of burdens.
