Wisdom in midlife continues to grow as we age. These ten nuggets, which come from my perspective as a super-late-diagnosed autistic woman, might just transform your life and bring you more fulfillment than ever.
The story.
“Emily, he read your letter.” Margaret’s tone on the other end of the line was ominous. “He said that anyone who leaves this church is a witch and is the devil.”
My jaw went slack. My fist gripped the receiver more tightly.
I’d taught Sunday school in that place for two years. Then Wednesday night church – children aged five through twelve all at one time – for seven years.
Seven years!
Plus, I’d sung in the choir. Been at every Sunday morning and Sunday night church service for the past ten years, even though I lived thirty minutes away. I’d attended all the leadership meetings that the man I’d called “pastor” for years had required.
And this was the payment I received? To be called a witch from the pulpit?
On a Sunday morning?
Margaret could have been reading things wrong, but I knew in my heart that she was right. Around age fifty at the time, she’d been ministering to women in prison for years. She and her close friend had confided that they had begun to see similar problems in our mutual place of worship as I had.
I trusted her discernment. Besides, she was so sure of her interpretation of his sermon that it ended up being the last time she darkened the door of that place of “worship.”
In hindsight, I’d written the letter to the pastor-guy in my usual autistic way. I’d been blunt and direct with no smidgen of diplomacy as I’d explained why my new husband and I were leaving that place of Christian fellowship. I’d offended the pastor-guy, I realized years later. But due to the stress I’d incurred in trying to be a good and active member of the church, I’d probably lost at least a couple of years of life.
Yet all he could see was the offense.
It was the beginning of the end of my people-pleasing.
Older neurodivergent women have a unique brand of wisdom.
Everyone grows at least somewhat wiser as they get older, and one person’s wisdom isn’t better than another’s. However, neurodivergent women over fifty – especially those of us who were very late-diagnosed – develop wisdom gleaned from years of masking, people-pleasing, and burnouts.
And the wisdom doesn’t just apply to fellow neurodivergent people. Rather, it’s knowledge that can help improve the lives of neurotypical people, as well. No guarantees, of course, but you don’t know until you try.
The following ten nuggets that I’ve learned is far from a comprehensive list. But I’ll hazard a guess that they include some of the top bits of wisdom shared by all autistic women and women with ADHD who have passed middle age (probably a lot of such men, too).
Here they are, in no particular order.
Nugget #1: People-pleasing is never worth it.
Autistic women, desperate to connect, usually get sucked into a people-pleasing cycle for two main reasons. First, we have a hard time making friends, and once we make them, we want to make sure not to offend them so we don’t lose them.
Second, we often become fiercely loyal in our relationships, even when the loyalty is not earned or deserved.
In the end, however, people-pleasing isn’t worth it. At the very least, you will:
- end up in inauthentic relationships,
- increase your stress, and
- waste your time and energy.
You may experience moderate pain, as I did with the pastor of the church.
But it can be much worse, like:
- marrying an abusive man,
- losing money at the hand of a con artist, or
- getting involved in a friend’s family or legal drama and ending up with your own reputation ruined and/or bank account drained.
People-pleasing is never worth it.
Nugget #2: Masking is sometimes necessary, BUT…
Everyone masks occasionally. A lot of the people who smile and reply, “Fine,” to your question, “How are you?” are miserable inside.
We mask because we don’t want other people to feel uncomfortable. We mask because we don’t want to cause conflict. We mask because we know that if we act kind when we don’t feel like it, our act will probably help the other person.
A little masking for the sake of peace and kindness is okay. However, if you’re constantly masking, then you ignore your true self. In the case of neurodivergent people, we risk upsetting the delicate balance of our nervous systems.
I can’t tell you when, where, and how much to unmask. It depends on the individual as well as the situation. Start slow and experiment with the safest people and in the safest situations, and see if you can’t find a balance regarding masking and removing the mask.
My first two nuggets combined lead nicely into the third…
Nugget #3: Live authentically.
I kind of hate that phrase right now, because it’s so overused. More to the point, it’s usually misused. “Be selfish and self-centered, and you’ll be happy” is the underlying message from many people online using the word “authentic.”
That’s not what it means. The definition of the word is “true; not imitation,” or “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.” So to live authentically is to live your own life according to your inward bent. It means not to pretend to be someone else.
A genius at composing symphonies and playing the piano is not living authentically if she goes into medicine because both of her parents are doctors and they’ve brainwashed her that “you can’t make a living making music.”
An introverted autistic person who becomes a wedding planner is not living authentically. She has to pretend all day long that she enjoys talking to prospective brides as well as the various other people – florists, caterers, etc. – needed for the celebration.
You can be a selfless, giving person, and still live true to yourself.
If you tend toward ADHD traits, it’s okay to be a Jill of all trades. If you tend toward the autistic ones, it’s okay to have a low-key job and only one or two close friends. And whatever your creative or intellectual bent might be, incorporate it into your life in a way that makes sense.
For us neurodivergent women, living authentically might mean going against society’s grain and staying single. Or getting married, but not having children. The pressure in the ‘70s and ‘80s on women to be all things to all people has taken a terrible toll on many of the as-yet undiagnosed neurodivergent Gen-Xers, Baby Boomers, and older Millennials.
Which is a great segue into…
Nugget #4: We must take great care of ourselves.
Obviously, everyone is better off if they take care of themselves. But neurodivergent adults, especially woman, often don’t do it as well as they should (people-pleasing being one of the main reasons).
Yet, for us ND women, meticulous self-care can mean the difference between a life filled with anxiety and depression and a life filled with hope and fulfillment.
Dressing comfortably is important. Finding food that doesn’t repulse us yet is also nutritious is important. Getting enough exercise so as to facilitate good health, but not so much as to stress our delicate nervous systems is important.
Getting enough sleep is important. Taking enough breaks during the day is important. Giving ourselves time to reset our systems when we’ve become overloaded is important. Stimming is important.
So is slow living, one so many of us miss that it deserves its own category.
Nugget #5: Live slowly.
We’ve been taught for decades to hurry up and push through and work hard to get more, to get better, to get, get, get.
It’s the worst possible advice for highly sensitive people, who thrive on a lot of downtime and quiet self-reflection.
That’s most people with autism and ADHD. In fact, I would venture to say from experience that the frenetic hamster-wheel lifestyle makes ADHD symptoms even worse. It increases anxiety, which makes you want to move faster, not more slowly.
Take a deep breath. Another one.
Then… Slow down. Focus on one task at a time, one project at a time, one moment at a time. Everything that needs to get done will eventually get done.
Nugget #6: Forgive yourself and others.
We neurodivergent women are going to make social mistakes. We might, after a late diagnosis, realize that we chose totally the wrong career. Or chose to live a totally wrong lifestyle.
Others may not understand your need to stim. They may get offended by your blunt honesty and never speak to you again. They might criticize your unique wardrobe or way of talking.
Forgive yourself. Forgive them. Otherwise, you just add more stress to your life.
Nugget #7: Ask for clarification.
Autistic adults tend to take speech literally, even if we know better. If you have the tiniest sense that maybe someone was being sarcastic just now, or using a metaphor that’s over your head, and so on, don’t guess. Don’t make assumptions.
Ask them to tell you literally what they meant. Life will go a lot more smoothly for you.
Nugget #8: One good friend is all you need.
Of course, you’re allowed to have more. But we neurodivergent women have been shown image after image of large groups of girlfriends having fun together, and wondering what was wrong with us that we couldn’t be part of such a group.
In fact, trying to keep track of so many relationships can take a toll on your mental health. It means that you probably never get very close with any of them.
If you have several close friends, great! If not, don’t worry. To feel fulfilled in the area of relationships, to have the confidence that you’re not alone in this world, one good friend who loves you and will support you through anything is all you need.
That friend might be a spouse or a sibling.
Stop beating yourself up because your life has never looked anything like an episode of Friends. You don’t need a crowd to not feel lonely.
Nugget #9: Contentment rules.
For a good chunk of my adult life, I’ve yearned to live anywhere other than wherever I was living at the time. I’ve even spent time online comparing various geographic locations to figure out which one might make me happier than where I am now.
I’ve finally figured out that most of the rest of the world isn’t nearly as exciting once you get there. And whatever positive differences there are compared to where you used to live, there are enough negatives to offset them.
Travel lightly if you want. But be content in the place you call home. The greener-grass syndrome only serves to build anxiety, stress, and depression.
Nugget #10: Seek support when life hits you hard.
As women, we’ve been taught to be the caregivers of the world and to sacrifice ourselves for the good of others. So it’s easy for us – especially those of us stuck in autistic rigid thinking – to believe that when life dumps a load of lemons over us, we need to make a cistern full of lemonade.
No, you don’t.
You need to find someone to support you. To walk through this with you.
Whether your problems are financial, emotional, or pertaining to your health, seek help before you get in too deep. Maybe all you need is a friend holding you accountable for your spending for a few months. Or a relative telling you about job openings.
Perhaps you just need someone to call you once a day for a couple of weeks and ask if you’re okay.
But if your problems feel insurmountable, seek a pro. Don’t turn your friends or family members into unpaid therapists, or put them in the position of playing loan shark.
Wisdom in midlife: only the beginning!
I know from experience that I know less now than I will ten, twenty years from the writing of this blog post. But I hope these bits of wisdom, from my neurodivergent perspective, will help somebody.
Maybe you?
But we all help each other here, and I’m hardly the Fount of All Answers To Life Mysteries. If you have some of your own encouraging wisdom you’d like to share in the comments, please feel free to do so. 🙂
