Effective communication with neurodivergent people, especially neurodivergent partners and friends, helps to make life simpler all around, but it can be tricky. Read on for 8 ideas to improve the chances of everyone being better understood.
The story.
I bristled, then rounded on my husband. “The sky is not pink with purple polka dots! How can you say such a thing?”
My husband’s lips pulled down into a frown. “That’s not what I said,” he insisted. “I said that if aliens invaded, the sky might turn pink with purple polka dots.”
I stared at him. That’s not what I’d heard at all. “Oh,” I said, contrite. “Sorry.”
It’s not always a neurotypical person’s fault.
My husband and I are both neurodivergent, and the above story, though fabricated, represents the innumerable times one or the other of us has said something, and the other one completely misunderstood. The truth that men speak a different language than women is exacerbated when neurodivergence is added into the mix.
The advantage of two neurodivergent people in a close relationship is that we eventually figure out the patterns of misunderstanding and work to reconcile the issue. My thought process will go along the lines of, Wait, that’s not what he meant. What did he say again? Okay, knowing what he believes, he probably meant X, not Y.
But when we’re talking a neurotypical communicating with a neurodivergent, even if they’re friends or romantic partners, the gap may often feel too wide to cross.
It’s really not, and I hope to persuade you of that in this article.
Communication with neurodivergent people: Pull back on the figurative and non-verbal language.
I’m starting with what might be the biggest communication pet peeve that neurodivergent people have with neurotypical people. When one neurotypical person speaks with another, sarcastic remarks and innuendo often dominates conversation. Then there are the eye rolls and gestures that take time for us to process.
For example, say a co-worker often shows up late and is danger of being fired. A neurotypical conversation might go something like the following.
******
BRAD: I think Dave’s about to feel a noose around his neck.
MARY (chuckling): If I was that late, I’d be pregnant.
BRAD: Seriously. I mean, it’s not like getting here is a hike up Mt. Everest.
MARY: Though he is skating on thin ice.
BRAD: [Grins, then with outstretched arms and one leg kicking up, he flails around, almost whacking the water cooler.] “Help! I’m falling and about to bust my butt!”
Ned, their neurodivergent co-worker watching from a few feet away, returns to his cubicle, shaking his head and completely confused. Had Dave gotten into extreme sports or something?
*******
Though many autistic adults with at least average intelligence have learned to interpret speech filled with metaphors, jokes, and non-verbal gestures, many more simply can’t. Their brain is wired to understand literal speech, and literal speech only.
Even those of us who can figure out what that kind of speech means, it’s a lot to process and translate in just a few seconds. And that’s on top of having to process all the sights, sounds, and smells going on around us at the same time.
Communication with neurodivergent people: Don’t beat around the bush.
This is also a huge pet peeve for neurodivergent, especially autistic, people. Interestingly enough, my husband is guilty of this because he hates conflict. Somewhere along the line he’s come to believe that if he has something to say to me that I might find irritating or distressing, he should ease into it slowly.
I hate that. And I’ve told him so. The reason I’m direct and blunt with my speech is because that’s how I want other people to speak to me. Don’t sugarcoat crap; it only ends up tasting like poop with the slight aftertaste of sugar.
Having to listen to someone beat around the bush instead of getting to the point also feels like a vast waste of time for us neurodivergents. Yes, we want to connect with other people, but not by playing word games… games which, as with figurative speech and gestures, require more processing than is comfortable.
Communication with neurodivergent people: Say what you mean.
The short film below illustrates this difficulty perfectly. The young autistic woman’s friend states that she wishes to be alone.
A neurotypical person would have understood her comment, given the context. But her autistic friend, being autistic, takes everything she hears literally. So she packs up and leaves her friend alone.
I second the comment of the autistic viewer who lamented that people should just say what they mean!
Communication with neurodivergent people: Non-verbal communication is sometimes the most powerful.
The idea that all autistic people despise touch comes from the days when the only people who were being diagnosed with autism were those who despised touch.
Some of us crave touch when it’s given as a form of support or affection. And some autistic people with no ability to speak offer touch as an attempt to connect.
When words fail a neurodivergent partner or friend, don’t be afraid to reach out and give their hand or shoulder a gentle squeeze to demonstrate your patience and support. Or if their own words seem to be working them up into a downward spiral of anxiety, a hug or gentle touch might be exactly what they need to calm their nervous system.
Be sure of what kind of touch they tolerate. (HINT: You find out by asking.)
Communication with neurodivergent people: Show emotional understanding.
Of course, all couples should show each other emotional understanding. But thanks to our sensitivities and executive dysfunction that sometimes makes us feel like colossal failures, we neurodivergent people need extra doses from our partners and friends.
You can demonstrate emotional understanding both verbally and non-verbally.
There are the gentle touches, as I described in the previous section. When my husband or I is showing signs of distress, the other will often offer a rub on the shoulder or side hug as they pass by to show their support.
Expressing your support verbally is important, as well. When a situation pops up that’s generally stressing out both of us, one or the other will inevitably ask, “Can I have a hug?” or “Do you need a hug?”
One late-diagnosed autistic influencer sometimes – and without warning – goes mute. When this happens, her husband asks, “Are you having trouble talking?” At her nod, he embraces her and says, “It’s okay. I love you.”
Communication with neurodivergent people: Be patient.
Many neurodivergent people need more time to process what is said to them. For people who lean toward ADHD, they’re having to filter your words through the ten conversations they’re having with themselves inside their head. For those who lean toward autism, they’re having to process every other thing happening around them as well as your words.
Give a neurodivergent partner or friend (or child, when it comes down to it) at least ten seconds to respond to a question. If they don’t give even a slight bit of eye contact, they may have not heard you at all. Gently say their name, and once you know they’re giving you their attention, repeat the question.
That’s a perfect segue to my last idea…
Communication with neurodivergent people: Don’t assume they’re not paying attention.
As a Kindergarten teacher, I once had a student whom I now recognize as autistic. He would sway from side to side while sitting on the floor during “Circle Time” and never look at me. I was sure he wasn’t paying attention.
But when I asked him about something I’d just taught, he could repeat verbatim what I’d said.
A lot of autistic adults are the same. We may be staring out the window, or doodling on paper, or looking down at our finger while it repeatedly traces a circle on the table… yet be paying rapt attention to everything you say. The fact is, those behaviors help us to pay attention to you. We’re either avoiding the anxiety that comes from looking into someone’s eyes or face, or avoiding becoming visually overwhelmed, or both.
Wait! I just thought of one more idea regarding neurodivergent communication.
Communication with neurodivergent people: Talk to us as equals.
Some of us stutter. Some of us speak slowly. Others of us speak in monotone. Some of us are silent until required to speak.
That doesn’t mean we’re mentally slow. It means our brains were wired to communicate differently than yours were.
If you want to be friends with a neurodivergent person, talk to them like you would any of your friends.
Except, leave out the metaphors, innuendos, and sarcasm, please.
