Neurodivergent woman people-pleasing leads to exhaustion and burnout. Read on for actionable tips to help you lay down boundaries to protect both you and your friendships.
The story.
The ADHD part of my brain must have been completely bored. Or the autistic, rigid-thinking part reminded me that I was to show kindness to all strangers.
Definitely the guy at the gas station knew how to pour on the charm, but we were talking about church and spiritual things, so I didn’t get what he was doing at the time.
My naïve autistic side again.
But I was excited about the “move of God”* going on at my church, so when he sort of invited himself to accompany me to worship services the next day, I found myself agreeing to pick him up and drive him there. The mere thought of telling him “no” felt like sin.
Even though I felt zero attraction to him. Even though my gut was telling me something was off.
In hindsight, I was blessed he made no moves, and when a few days after the service he called and I asked him to leave me alone, he did.
The neurodivergent woman’s people-pleasing paradox.
At that point in time, my people-pleasing habit could have caused me deep trouble that time, and I realized it. You’ll be happy to know that I never put myself in that kind of situation again.
For most neurodivergent women, people-pleasing doesn’t necessarily put them in dangerous situations. But it exhausts them. As little girls they learned that if they wanted to fit in, they needed to do what other little girls asked.
They learned early on that saying “no” might mean staying friendless their entire lives. They didn’t realize that setting boundaries was not rude, but a vital act of self-care that prevents social burnout while fostering authentic connection.
The paradox is that though we neurodivergent women desperately need relationship boundaries, most of us struggle to lay them down.
Why?
The root causes: Why setting boundaries is hard.
Looking back on my life, I can pick out countless times when my gut was telling me to say “no,” or at least set some ground rules. But I didn’t.
Any of my fellow ND women scratching their heads over this? Several factors come into play. Let’s look at them and see if we can go from head-scratching to an “a-ha!” moment.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and friendship trauma.
I don’t remember much about my year in Kindergarten. But I remember distinctly standing on the edge of the cool-looking play cooking center, wishing with all that was in me that I could work up the nerve to ask the other girls there if I could play with them. The very idea that they might answer with a “no” terrified me, and kept me on the sidelines of classmate games for years.
The crazy thing was, when I was five, no one had yet outright rejected me!
But with both autism and ADHD, actual rejection (or perceived rejection) brings heart- and gut-wrenching emotional pain. It’s strong enough to bring on a bout of depression, or humiliation that makes us withdraw inside ourselves and wish the floor would open up and swallow us whole.
Most neurodivergent women experience painful rejection when we are small. This friendship trauma – the feeling of being excluded, misunderstood, or taken advantage of – creates an urge to say “yes” to everything to avoid any more trauma.
Masking and energy drain.
Then there’s masking. Many autistic women of average to above-average intelligence figure out early on that their peers see many of their habits, mannerisms, and stims as weird. So we suppress those traits in order to fit in.
In fact, in order to appear neurotypical.
The problem with that is, masking leads to cognitive overload and energy depletion. With our brains feeling either like mush or that it’s constantly on the edge of exploding, we can’t discern the times it’s appropriate for us to say “no.”
And since “yes” has become our default, we go with it, as it seems the least trying option at the time.
The communication gap.
The final reason neurodivergent women have trouble with boundary-setting is a communication gap. Those of us with autistic traits tend to think literally, thus interpret what other people say literally. We miss hints or subtle cues that a friend is giving us a way out, or doesn’t mind whether we say yes or no.
Sometimes, we don’t realize that saying “no” is a socially acceptable response to a neurotypical person. Other times, we’re not sure how to say “no” in a way that won’t make them defensive or disappointed.
So we fall back to our default.
Now you know why you’ve been people-pleasing, despite how bad it is for your mental health and overall well-being. Let’s get into what you really want to know – how the heck to set the boundaries so you can simplify your relationships and thereby simplify your life!
Three types of boundaries neurodivergent women need most.
Boundary-setting involves more than the ability to say “no.” There are three types of boundaries that we, as neurodivergent women, need to learn to place around our lives. Each one focuses on a different need. Let’s take a look at each one.
The energy boundary: Protecting your capacity.
The goal of this boundary is to manage your “spoons” and prevent burnout.
Hold on, you’re thinking. Since when do eating utensils come into play?
Okay, so maybe you’re more up on the latest pop psychology terms than I am. In case you’re not, the metaphor is that each person has only a certain amount of spoons holding energy every day. We have to be careful and judicious in emptying the spoons so that we don’t run out of energy sooner than we want.
As a neurodivergent woman, managing your “spoons” of energy is critical in order not to burnout.
In this aspect, setting boundaries isn’t about turning down a social or volunteer invite. Rather, it’s about determining ahead of time when, how long, and how often you can engage in such opportunities so that you come out of them still feeling energetic, clear-headed, and positive.
Actionable tip: Institute a couple of “recharge rules.” For example, you’ll only attend one major social even per week (or month), Sundays will always be a quiet day, you’ll converse on the phone no longer than thirty minutes, and so on.
Modify the following scripts as needed. They can aid you in respectfully communicating your energy boundaries to friends and family:
- “I love you, but I’m hitting my social limit for the week. Let’s do a low-key text chat instead.”
- “I’m happy to come, but I’ll need to leave at eight p.m. to protect my sleep routine.”
- “How about we just do the mini-golf and save the lunch date for the weekend after?”
The emotional boundary: Clarifying roles.
The point of this boundary is to define your responsibilities within the friendship. As most autistic women are introverts, they are usually perceived as good listeners. This often results in friends inadvertently using them for free therapy.
If you’ve ever played therapist, you know what a toll this can take on your own psyche. It leaves you emotionally drained. Because you’re likely highly sensitive, you also incidentally absorb the negativity that your friend dumps on you, threatening the already precarious balance of your mental well-being.
Clarifying your role in a friendship involves the following:
- Avoiding becoming a friend’s unpaid therapist.
- Not allowing others to dismiss your special interests.
- Setting limits on emotional “dumping.”
Actionable step: As soon as you become aware any of this starting to happen in a relationship, assert yourself. Here are examples of things you might say.
- “I hear you, but I don’t have the emotional capacity to take on this issue right now. Have you considered talking to a therapist?”
- “I prefer to keep politics/religion/work gossip/etc. off the table when we hang out. Can we talk about [special interest] instead?”
- “Wow, it sounds like you’re going through a rough time. How about you take a few deep breaths while I fix you [friend’s favorite hot beverage]? Then we can put on a good [favorite genre of movie] to help you relax for a while.”
You might lose your friend; trust me, I know. My middle sister quit communicating with me years ago when I asserted a similar boundary with her, and I haven’t heard from her since.
But there are plenty of people in the world who won’t try to take advantage of your naivety or “good listening skills,” or who are self-aware enough to realize that they’ve gone too far. Look around, take your time, put out “feelers,” and eventually you’ll find at least one who will make a good friend.
Sensory boundary: Protecting your body and space.
Some people in our lives grew up in an affectionate family, and will hug a perfect stranger. Others assume that everyone loves listening to music as loudly as they do, or that the inability to be spontaneous is a character flaw.
As a younger woman, I encountered many such situations with friends, even acquaintances. Afraid of offending people and therefore being rejected, I went along with whatever they wanted as far as environment.
Even if it was overstimulation to the point of stressing me out.
I’ve stated this in previous posts, and I will state it again: if a friend refuses to understand your real need for a low-stimulation environment, then they’re not a real friend.
You need to learn to accommodate your sensory needs without guilt.
Actionable tip: When you agree to attend a social event, carry your sensory supports (such as earplugs, a cozy sweater, and fidget toys) with you. Also, tell your friends ahead of time that you can only stand so much noise, light, etc. Warn them that you may need to take a break from the gathering at some point, or possibly leave early.
Feel free to modify any of the following script examples as needed:
- “I know it seems sudden, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by the noise and need to step outside for five minutes to reset.”
- “Thanks for the hug, but next time, I’d prefer a wave or high-five.”
- “I’m sorry; the bright lights in here are giving me a headache. I’m going to have to leave early. It’s been fun, though! I’ll talk to you soon.”
How to craft your own boundary scripts.
At some point, you may need to come up with an explanation different from those I’ve provided above. In such a case, following are the principles for crafting your own boundary script.
- Be direct and clear. Use short, unambiguous sentences. Your needs are valid and don’t require excessive justification or apology.
- Don’t JADE. “JADE” stands for justify, argue, defend, explain. When setting a boundary, give one clear reason, then stop talking.
- Prepare for pushback. Others may test or resist your boundary (these others are commonly known as “extroverts”). Rehearse a simple, firm restatement so it comes easily off your tongue. You might say, “My answer remains the same.” Or, “Like I said, I’ll see you later.” If you can manage a smile while you restate your intention, the friend is more likely to soften.
Boundaries are a firm foundation for authentic friendship.
A true friend will respect your limits. We’re not seeking understanding here. Just respect. The boundaries you set will filter out the leeches and narcissists from your life, creating space for high-quality, authentic relationships where you can unmask.
Start slow. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
Above all, remember that as a neurodivergent woman, people-pleasing is slowly killing you. You have a right to protect your peace and well-being.
*More like a “move of brain chemistry.”
