Neurodivergent women and relationships can produce a complicated brew. Here are nine strategies to make them a fulfilling part of a simple life.
The story.
My eyebrows rose as I listened to the voicemail. Why was Libby calling me? I hadn’t heard from her in a year or two.
But out here in the middle of nowhere, dealing with a “wild child” (the not-so-endearing term I used to call my son when he was little) and a husband who seemed to have suddenly changed his mind about homesteading, I needed a friend to talk to.
But I couldn’t call her back. That just felt too awkward after that amount of time. Also, she seemed to be as entrenched in the charismatic Christian church as ever. I, on the other hand, wanted nothing more to do with it.
Awkward upon awkward.
I decided to compromise. I’d email her.
I did. It was a pleasant, friendly email, thanking her for the call and asking her how she was doing.
I never heard from her again.
Autistic friendship: the oxymoron from hell?
Women want to connect. We need to connect. But those of us who are autistic can’t do it the way most other women can. Women with ADHD have their own set of communication challenges.
We watch our schoolmates, and a few of us learn by our teens how to have a brief conversation. Even fewer of us learn all the rules and train ourselves not to be blunt when we talk, to tell little white lies, to ignore all of our overwhelmed senses for the sake of a night on the town with friends.
They perfect the art of masking in order to fit in.
More often than not, however, making and maintaining friendships – not to mention romantic relationships – is an uphill battle. Some days you wonder if living all by yourself for the rest of your life would be preferable to trying to fill the void for companionship and emotional connection.
I get it. I am totally with you.
But the good news is, there are several strategies that can help you have the meaningful connections you crave – even a thriving marriage – yet still live a quiet, simple life on your own terms.
Strategy #1 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Meet lightly.
Maintaining a friendship doesn’t have to mean once-a-week dinners or lunches, or a large gathering of mutual friends and acquaintances. In fact, one of the benefits of being over fifty and having long-term friends is that you can see them every two to three months and feel like you’ve never had a day away from them.
See or talk to friends as frequently or infrequently as suits you.
(Obligated to attend a large family gathering? Read here for 11 survival tips for sensitive people.)
Strategy #2 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Establish time boundaries.
Tell any friend or acquaintance you’re meeting up with the amount of time you’re willing to spend on a date. You know how long you can go before you begin to feel overwhelmed, or anxious because you have something at home you want to get done.
This allows you some control over how stressful a social activity might be.
Strategy #3 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Pretend you’re talking to a man.
As a neurodivergent women, I’m prone to info-dumping, especially when I’m excited or feeling unusually happy (like talking to a new friend). I’m also prone to talking about only what I’m interested in.
I’m not saying those tendencies are bad in and of themselves, or that you should always mask them. But after a while, those ways of communicating can turn off even those friends who’ve been around for a while.
To mitigate these tendencies, pretend you’re talking to a man… especially if you’re talking to a woman. Why? Because they tend to be (or pretend to be) more patient when a female friend goes on and on and on, not letting them get a word in edgewise.
But even neurotypical women can only take so much.
So, pretend you’re talking to a man. Men like discussions to be short and sweet. For their comrades to get to the point.
They also have egos bigger than Jupiter, therefore like to talk about themselves.
The answer: rein in some of your urge to info-dump. You’ll still probably hold more of the conversation than most neurotypical people do, but not as much.
And then, ask about the person you’re with. Encourage them to talk about themselves. Showing interest in your friends makes them feel better about their friendship with you, motivating them to stay in touch.
Having a few people in your life who support and love you makes life simpler, because you don’t have to carry all of your burdens alone.
Strategy #4 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Be upfront about your sensory needs.
Whether we’re talking about a new friend, old friend, or potential spouse, spending time with them will go easier if they know about your sensitivities. For example, if you can’t bear loud music in a restaurant, can’t stand bright lights, or get nauseous at the smell of sushi, tell them so they can plan accordingly.
Better yet, if you’re going to go out to socialize, suggest a place or two which you know won’t send you to the edge of a shutdown.
Read more on autism-friendly social activities.
Strategy #5 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Create a loose schedule around social activities.
We need some time to transition from one major activity to another. It allows our systems to reset and our emotions to calm.
So avoid things like a “co-worker night out” that occurs immediately after your shift ends for the day. Or a date that happens right after you’ve arrived home from a long Saturday of errands.
On days when you plan to get together with someone, even if just one long-term friend, carve out extra time before the socialization so you can relax.
Read about quality over quantity in friendships for neurodivergent or menopausal women.
Strategy #6 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Schedule both quiet time and social time with your family.
If you’re married with children, quiet time is critical for your sense of well-being. Ditto for anyone else in your family who is neurodivergent.
Also, you want to make sure that your family grows in their relationships.
So sit down with your family and set aside time each day dedicated to “alone time,” as well as an hour or two of “family time.” Intentionally nourishing family relationships facilitates future problem-solving, improves a sense of solidarity among the group, and leads to greater happiness.
Which all leads to a simpler, more fulfilling life.
Read about the 6 principles for building neurodiversity-affirming family routines.
Strategy #7 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Regularly schedule phone calls, visits, coffee dates.
We autistic women are great at structuring our days, but we have to make an effort to include social activities in that structure. Those of us with ADHD – or both – usually require a simple tool that helps us with scheduling and planning.
Wherever you stand on that spectrum, be sure to schedule regular phone calls or visits with your friends. You can rotate them in a monthly schedule, and alternate phone calls with coffee dates, for example.
The same goes for your husband. The two of you should decide on a time when you can have at least a monthly date. This ensures that you don’t accidentally slip away from each other emotionally as you engage in your individual special interests.
Strategy #8 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Avoid misunderstandings.
With our rigid thinking and unique logic, we neurodivergent women can easily misconstrue a benign comment. Our difficulty in reading non-verbal cues and facial expressions doesn’t help.
Those of us who are highly sensitive – especially if we experienced trauma as a child – are also prone to overreacting emotionally.
So when someone says something that you felt might have been an insult, ask for clarity.
Do the same if someone’s words go over your head for some reason. Call it a brain blip, or a momentary distraction that caused you to miss part of what they said. Don’t pretend you understand. It might come back to bite you. Instead, again, ask for clarification or repetition.
Read 8 ideas for effective communication with neurodivergent people (even if you’re one yourself!)
Strategy #9 for neurodivergent women and relationships: Let go as necessary, but try not to burn bridges.
How easy it is to not return a phone call, to stop emailing somebody, because they say something that offends you. Or because you’re burned out and you can’t take their “stuff” because all of your own “stuff” is like a ten-ton boulder on your shoulders.
Or because suddenly, you can’t find common ground with them anymore.
If a relationship is toxic – someone is taking advantage of you, taking more than they give, or disrespecting you – they don’t need to be part of your life.
But many times, autistic women break off relationships for much less important reasons. The “now is forever” trap inside of our heads makes us think we’ll feel this way, believe this way from now on, and our friend couldn’t possibly understand it.
So we leave her or him behind.
I know. I’m guilty. On multiple counts.
If you feel a need to draw back from a mostly healthy relationship, do so, but consider not cutting ties completely. Keep in touch lightly. See how things go. See how you go.
What you feel or believe today won’t necessarily be what you feel or believe a year or five years from now. And if you haven’t completely severed the relationship, it might end up being the exact blessing you need, once you return to it.
Read 4 reasons midlife autistic women lose friends, and five ways to prevent it.
Find the middle ground.
You may experience many days when you wish you could live alone on a small Pacific island. That feeling is likely to intensify after age fifty.
And it’s okay to be alone sometimes. Even most of the time.
But relationships are important. They help us grow. They provide an opportunity to love and to serve. They remind us that there’s a world outside of our heads, a world that might need us with all of our neurodivergent eccentricities.
Be a friend. Gently. Carefully. Intentionally.
It can be one of the most beautiful parts of a simple, quiet life.
