For neurodivergent women, starting over at 45 and even older gives them a new lease on life. Read on for 5 reasons to renew your purpose at this stage.
The story.
How dumb could I be? I’d probably started over a dozen blogs since the 2010s, most of them with paid webhosting. I lost money every single time. Why did I think this time would be any different?
I stared at my laptop screen. The website hosting product pricing page teased me with the “buy now” button. I must be nuts. This wasn’t going to work. I’d blog for a few months, then get sick of it before I had a chance to make a single penny.
And now I was fifty-five years old, for crying out loud! Wasn’t it a little too late to start another online business?
But something inside me whispered that this time, things would be different. This time, I’d walked into a calling that combined my writing talent with my love of teaching and my lifelong desire to help others find fulfillment and joy by living a simpler life.
I clicked the button. Thereby paying for four years of webhosting.
And bought the domain name, “GoldenAndGrowing.com.”
The myth of “too late” and “too old.”
When I was in college, I asked an uncle who had come to visit me, “Do you think I’m too thin?”
His reply was, “Too thin for what?”
I’ve never forgotten his knock-me-over-with-a-feather reply. Still, since hitting age fifty I’ve caught myself several times thinking, “I’m too old for this” or “It’s too late to do that.” One of the reasons is that our culture doesn’t value anyone with visibly sagging skin, wrinkles, or whitening hair.
Neurodivergent women get a double whammy, because we’ve been taught to measure progress by someone else’s clock. Yet the truth is, our brains are often slower to bloom in various areas.
I was in my early twenties before I learned how to coordinate clothing. I was in my late twenties before I learned how to decorate a home.
That was after devouring the information in a dozen interior decorating books.
I think I was into my thirties before I finally “got” mental math.
So by the time we neurodivergent women finally feel like we can contribute fully to society, the reflection in our mirrors taunt us that we’re too late.
That’s a bald-faced lie, and if it has discouraged you, please keep reading.
“Reclaiming lost time” – another dangerous myth.
In the weeks and months following my realization that I’m autistic, I became angry. I was angry that God had made me different to the extent that it had caused me a lot of emotional pain. I was angry at myself for not listening to my heart about which career path to follow. Finally, I was angry at society for the persistent, soul-destroying message that to pursue a career in any of the fine arts meant certain starvation.
I felt like I’d wasted my life.
And I was furious.
I would hazard a guess that most, if not all, late-diagnosed neurodivergent women go on a similar journey. But what if the seasons of burnout, the masking, the taking a “wrong” career path weren’t a waste? What if they were a necessary part of your growth, of the path that has led you to discover the truth about your unique brain?
This is another myth that modern society teaches, that if we don’t make the perfect-for-ourselves choices early on, we’re going to end up settling. Or depressed. Or making terrible mistakes.
Autistic women over 40, late-diagnosed women with ADHD, those of us blessed to be in both categories… we need to come to the realization that we did the best with what we had when we were younger.
And that even if it didn’t always feel like a walk in the park, we did make valuable contributions to the world. Even if just our small corner of the world.
Even if it often felt like climbing a sheer cliff wall blindfolded.
Reinventing yourself in midlife: the five compelling reasons to go for it.
I’ve assured you that the younger years of your neurodivergent female experience were not a waste. I’ve also made an attempt to persuade you that the second half of your life means a second prime, rather than “too late.”
Having that foundation, why is finding renewed purpose after 45 the best step you can take? While I can’t conceive of every little reason, the following five are the biggies.
#1 Goals and dreams keep you going.
Though this truth applies to anyone at any age, it’s especially vital for peri- and post-menopausal women.
It’s even more vital for neurodivergent peri- and post-menopausal women.
We are already lower than average in the “feel-good” brain neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine. Lowering levels of estrogen exacerbate the problem, making it hard on many days to find a reason even to get out of bed.
There are medications and natural remedies to fight against that indifference and mental lethargy. But one of the best ways is to have an overarching, positive vision for the rest of your life, with goals that help you move toward that vision.
Making yourself take one small step a day in the right direction serves two purposes. First, it encourages your brain to produce those essential-for-happiness chemicals. Second, it gradually adds new “wiring” that improves your ability to be creative and be more resilient against the trials and traumas of life.
#2: You now understand your brain much better.
If you’re like most late-diagnosed neurodivergent women, you’ve taken a deep-dive into how to take care of yourself better. You understand how to reduce stress levels by reducing your exposure to overstimulation, and by having routines and tools that help you stay on track with your day.
As such, you’re a lot more in tune than ever to your body’s and brain’s natural rhythms. This means that you can craft more realistic goals and structure your days so that they facilitate your natural tendencies and strengths, rather than fight against them.
In essence, you know better how to seek and find joy, peace, and simplicity.
#3: You have much more life experience than when you were younger.
By now, you have a treasure trove of knowledge about what works and what doesn’t work in various aspects of life. This includes finding and living with a romantic/life partner; who you can trust; when masking is necessary; how to find a job; how to keep a job; the precarious balance of family dynamics; and so on.
You’ve gained a lot of knowledge and skills you didn’t have when you were twenty. You know what your big mistakes were, and (I hope) the lessons you can glean from them.
Basically, you now have a lot more “life smarts” than you did when you were younger. So instead of “retiring” from life, you can harness all of that knowledge and carve out a much happier, more fulfilling life than you’ve experienced thus far.
#4: You have a deeper understanding of your strengths and limitations.
Way back when, I didn’t need the label of AuDHD to tell me that I had trouble sticking with jobs or long-term projects unless they were what was keeping me from starving and living out on the streets. Years before the word “neurodivergence” even existed, I figured out that I had to play mind games with myself in order to finish writing a novel, to follow the boring teaching curriculum I was given, and to stick to a healthy eating regimen.
Knowing that I’m neurodivergent, however, has set my past in a new light. I understand why I thought the way I thought, acted the way I acted, felt the way I felt.
I’ve come to learn which are my top skill sets and talents, as well as the importance of structuring my day so that I get enough downtime.
I’m guessing you’ve learned all that, too. This makes reinventing yourself in midlife, if not a breeze, then a lot easier than when you were eighteen without a clue as to what direction you should follow.
#5: You have the freedom to become a “second act woman.”
Chances are high that by now, any children you had are either in the teens or have already flown the coop. Even if they, too, are neurodivergent, they likely are independent enough so that you have the freedom to pursue new hobbies, new dreams, a new career.
If you’ve been careful with your finances, you probably have at least a large enough nest egg to carry you through a few months of transition. If you’re still married to the father of your children, I’m guessing things are going well between the two of you, and therefore he’ll support your desire to spread your wings.
It could be that he wants to reinvent himself, as well. Perhaps a long, honest conversation will reveal that the two of you have complimentary goals. You can work alongside each other, and be there for each other when the other hits a wall or faces obstacles.
Even if you don’t have as much freedom now as you’d like, there’s no law against dreaming. You can begin to take baby steps toward achieving the freedom you need to make the desired pivot.
Starting over at 45 and older: the neurodivergent woman’s lifesaver.
You’re not too old. It’s not too late for you to make a difference.
You’re the perfect age, with the perfect life experience, and perfect amount of wisdom to reinvent yourself.
And this reinvention may be exactly what you need in order to live longer, healthier, and happier.
Just remember, if you ever find yourself thinking, It’s too late, stop and ask yourself:
Too late for what?
