In the realm of neurodivergent women relationships,* we’ve discussed how to simplify life by making tweaks with how you relate to other people. We’ve talked about setting boundaries, and issues related to marriage when both parties are neurodivergent.
But what about when one of you turns out to be neurodivergent years after getting married, but the other is neurotypical? As this blog is geared toward 45+ neurodivergent women, I’m going primarily to speak in those terms just to keep things simple. But understand everything I’m going to bring up can work both ways.
In case you’re a neurodivergent husband trying to figure out how to iron things between yourself and your neurotypical wife. 🙂
Whichever is the case with your marriage, the one who is diagnosed and begins unmasking may eventually hear the phrase, “You’ve changed.”
And usually not in a complimentary way.
Why? She entered the marriage wearing her carefully crafted mask, the one designed to suppress her authentic self in order to make and keep friends, in order to obtain and keep jobs.
And… in order to find the love of her life.
Many neurodivergent women relationships are founded on inadvertent deception. Not being savvy with social cues or how to show emotions or how to converse, not caring about fashion or makeup or the latest Hollywood heart throb, we mimic others the best we can.
Because we want to connect, and learn early on that if we don’t follow certain rules, most other girls won’t want us anywhere near them.
So we pretend.
And often, when we meet the guy who feels like our soul mate, we’re terrified that if we stop pretending, we’ll lose him.
On top of this, by that time, most of us don’t realize we’re pretending or have put on a façade. We just think we’re playing the same game everyone else is.
Many of us have no idea that “everyone else” isn’t trying nearly as hard as we are.
So, we get married, promising “till death do us part.”
And then comes the late-diagnosis of autism, ADHD, or both.
For neurodivergent women, a diagnosis – whether formal or self-discovery – feels like a homecoming. It’s often a catalyst for profound personal change.
Because with our new understanding, we gain permission to begin to unmask. To shed the aspects of our lives where we’ve only been performing in order to embrace our true neurodivergent selves.
And if your spouse is neurotypical, chances are good that these changes will impact your marriage. Why?
The invisible labor of masking and its unraveling.
For decades, you’ve carried an invisible burden in the form of your mask. Oh, you may have removed it for brief periods in your marriage, like when you sat in your rocking chair and rocked vehemently for fifteen minutes while listening to music because someone at work insulted you. Or like when you told your husband that if you attended one more holiday party, you were going to “scream and sledgehammer down a wall, so could we please, please, please stay in tonight and watch a movie?”
But most of the time, even with your spouse, you kept that mask on. And it seemed to grow heavier with each passing year.
The challenge is that your future husband fell in love with that version of you, the masked version, the one who seemed to effortlessly conform, who perhaps rarely expressed overwhelm, or who presented as perpetually easygoing.
But that diagnosis gives you permission to remove that burden.
Common results of unmasking autism or ADHD.
As that burden comes off, your life changes.
Those changes include:
- Increased sensory sensitivities: You might suddenly find yourself unable to tolerate certain sounds, textures, or lights. Because you’ve spent years teaching yourself to ignore those sensitivities.
- Different social needs: The capacity for social interaction might decrease, or your preferred ways of connecting might shift.
- Authentic communication: You might become more direct, less apologetic, and more open about your needs and struggles.
- Changes in routine and preferences: Things you once did out of obligation might now feel intolerable.
These changes, while liberating for the late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman, can be bewildering, even upsetting, for their spouses. They might feel like the person they knew and loved is disappearing.
Or has disappeared.
That sounds like a certain recipe for disaster, which could end in divorce. But that’s not the foregone conclusion.
Neurodivergent women relationships in marriage: The best first step.
If you’ve come to this blog post knowing that you need to unmask but afraid of what consequences it might bring, you are way ahead of the curve. Do the following, and you’ll probably save yourself a lot of heartache and marital conflict.
- Sit down with your husband and explain your diagnosis and what it means as far as how you need to tweak your lifestyle and behaviors. Have a bullet-point list of notes to keep yourself on track so you don’t end up overwhelming him or inadvertently starting an argument.
- Ask him to please be willing for the two of you to speak with a therapist about the changes you’re going to have to make in order to reduce your stress levels and live more authentically.
- Hopefully, his answer is either “yes,” or a completely honest, “Honey, I love you no matter what you do. We don’t need a therapist. Just give me some links to videos or articles and I’ll watch and read everything and we’ll go on this journey together.”
- Find a therapist who works with couples with mixed-brain types (you may have to go online to find one) and make the soonest appointment available. If your husband declines to talk to a therapist, you might consider speaking with one yourself for a few weeks to get advice on how to make unmasking an easier transition for both you and your husband.
- Keep that first appointment. The therapist will be able to walk both of you through what to expect as you unmask, as well as provide advice on how to communicate effectively through the unmasking process. You and your husband may want to continue to touch base with the therapist as long as necessary.
After the fact: Bridging the communication gap.
If you’ve come to this article having already begun to unmask, and your unmasking is causing ripples in the marriage relationship, no judgment. It’s easy to think that since unmasking is good for you, it will by default be good for your marriage and that your partner will support it.
Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. And if you’re reading this, I’m assuming it isn’t the case for you at this moment. You’re going to have to back up and do some damage control. You’re going to have to be patient and openly communicate. The following steps will help.
Educate your spouse about neurodiversity and masking.
This is probably the most important step. Your spouse can’t understand what they don’t know. Remember that until recently, you yourself didn’t understand why you felt so anxious most of the time, why you frequently felt like you were trying to stop an avalanche with a feather.
So give your spouse a lot of grace.
Explain what your diagnosis means, as well as why you’ve been masking and the toll it’s taken. For example, “Remember how I used to stay at crowded events even when I looked uncomfortable? That was me masking. It took a lot of energy and caused me a lot of stress. Now that I understand that it wasn’t good for me, I can’t sustain those kinds of outings anymore.”
Explain the impact of late diagnosis.
Help your spouse understand that you’re not changing on a whim, but making the changes that fit with your neurodivergent brain. Emphasize that you’re not choosing to be different, but choosing to be yourself.
You might say, “For my entire life, I haven’t had the language or understanding for why I felt so different. My diagnosis gave me both. It’s not that I’m becoming a totally new person, but that I’m finally allowing my authentic self to come out after decades of trying to hide her.”
Validate your spouse’s feelings.
Acknowledge to your spouse that you understand their confusion or sadness. Say, “I understand this is a big adjustment for you, and it must feel strange to see these changes.”
That way, you open the door for them both to communicate their experiences and to listen to your perspective with more empathy.
Communicate your needs clearly and directly.
Even though both my husband and I are neurodivergent, we still need to do this in order to avoid misunderstandings. It also helps us to have more empathy for each other.
Here’s an example of what I mean.
MASKED VERSION: “I’m just really tired tonight.”
UNMASKED VERSION: “I’m experiencing sensory overload from the restaurant, and I need some quiet time alone in the bedroom for the next hour or so to recover.”
For more detail about communicating effectively in specific instances, see the “Unmasking Communication Quick Tips” at the end of this article.
Reassure your spouse of your love and commitment.
Your need for more quiet can feel like rejection to your husband. His struggle with the changes you making can lead to one or both of you feeling resentment.
So you need to verbalize how much you love your spouse, that you’re still committed to the marriage.
You might say, “These changes are about me living more authentically and taking care of my physical and psychological needs. It’s not about me wanting to be away from you. Being my true self will allow me to connect with you more deeply.”
Emphasize that if your spouse ever feels like you’re pulling away or they’re being left behind, you want them to invite you into a loving conversation about the issue.
Suggest resources and shared learning.
If your spouse doesn’t suggest it, offer to share articles, books, and videos that discuss neurodiversity and relationships. Learning together can be a powerful bonding experience. It can also go far in preventing misunderstandings and resentment.
Consider couples counseling with a neurodiversity-affirming therapist.
It’s not too late to seek a third party if you’ve already begun unmasking. As I mentioned earlier, this type of therapist can facilitate complex conversations. They can also provide tools and strategies for both spouses to navigate this transition.
The beauty of authentic connection.
Unmasking is a courageous act. While it can bring challenges in relationships, it also opens the door to a deeper, more authentic connection.
Imagine being truly seen, truly understood, and truly loved for who you are, without the exhausting facade. This journey, while sometimes bumpy, ultimately leads to a more genuine partnership built on acceptance and profound understanding.
For neurodivergent women relationships, this authenticity is the ultimate goal.
Do you have a story to share about unmasking with your spouse? What worked and didn’t work? Feel free to share in the comments.
But first, don’t miss the “Unmasking Communication Quick Tips” I mentioned. Feel free to copy and paste it into a document so you can print it out and refer to it.
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Unmasking Communication Quick Tips
Enhance your communication further by going through the following areas with your spouse.
*1. The sensory audit: List things that cause you sensory distress (lights, sounds, textures) and what provides relief from that distress (darkness, weighted blankets, earplugs).
*2. Energy accounting: Explain to your spouse how they can read your energy state. Then come to a consensus about how you will communicate when your “social battery” is depleted. (HINT: I don’t recommend the method in this video. LOL)
*3. The communication dictionary: Each of you define terms important to your relationship. For example, what exactly does “I need quiet” mean? Probably something different for the both of you.
Brainstorm a list of similar terms either or both of you use to indicate a particular need at the moment. Share what you really mean for each phrase.
This allows you to work as allies in meeting each other’s needs in effective and sustainable ways.
It’s also a great way to grow closer and to show your love.
*4. Learn the early signs of overwhelm: This one might take a few weeks. Being recently diagnosed, you might not be aware of every signal your body gives when it’s approaching overwhelm.
However, you should start on it early, so begin with what you know. Sit down with your spouse and list the common early signs of overwhelm for neurodivergent women. These include:
- Fidgeting.
- Going suddenly quiet.
- Pacing.
- Difficulty finding words.
- Intense facial expression.
- A complete lack of facial expression.
Then, provide your spouse with a simple script for intervention whenever you’re showing one of these signs. For example, “Do you need space or comfort?” Or, “Let’s go to the quiet room.”
The goal here is to show love and support, as well as to avoid open-ended questions that are impossible to answer during distress.
In addition, emphasize the need to avoid immediate discussion or analysis of the precipitating event. Many times, you may not even realize what triggered you.
If you’d like tools to help you with overwhelm, feel free to check out my Brain Overload Signal Cards, Sensory Reset Menu, and Symptom Trigger Tracker.
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*DISCLAIMER: I am not a mental health professional of any kind. The above information is for educational purposes only, and based on current research in the field of neurodivergence. Please refer to a neurodiverse-affirming therapist for help for your specific situation.
