Neurodiversity-affirming family rhythms are vital for any sized family with even one neurodivergent member. Read on for six ideas to help everyone in the family feel valued.
The story.
“Time to eat!” I called to my ten-year-old son as I set a bowl of smoothie on the table.
He ran out of his bedroom and slid into his chair. My husband, in the meantime, retrieved the book he’d been reading to our son, and sat next to him. It was the same morning routine they’d been following for the past several years.
My son stuck his spoon into the bowl, my husband began reading, and our day officially began.
Neurodivergent household routines: the same, only different.
Fostering good relationships is vital to living a simpler life. No relationships are more important than those among family members. And routines are a great way to improve those relationships, because they provide a foundation of warmth and caring to every day.
For years, my husband and I have practiced “neurodiversity-affirming family rhythms” without knowing it.
Primarily because we’d never heard the term, and my husband and I had no idea we were neurodivergent.
We’ve done better than either set of our own parents, though, because my husband is laid back, and during my years teaching I learned that not all children should be treated the same, because they are all so different.
Having learned that we are neurodivergent, I’ve become more conscientious about everyone’s needs. I’ve learned a lot along our journey so far, and would like to share the six principles we follow to keep everyone in our house happy.
Well. Most of the time. 😉
Principle #1 of Neurodiversity-Affirming Family Rhythms: Establish a sensory-friendly morning routine.
A neurodivergent morning routine will be, by default, sensory-friendly. What that means is that for at least the first half hour after everyone awakens, keep things low-key. If you have school-aged children, train them to get up early enough so they don’t have to rush to get ready to leave. Let them have time to color, read for pleasure, or just lie on their bed and daydream.
General ideas include:
- Keep the lights low for the first half hour upon awakening.
- Anyone who wants to listen to music or watch a video must use headphones or earbuds.
- No chore requirements.
- Adults might do some stretching and/or have a hot drink with a good book.
- No discussing serious or potentially volatile topics.
- Keep breakfast preparation light and pleasant.
The above sensory-friendly morning routine template helps get the day started on the right foot. This printable PDF provides more ideas that are easily adaptable to children.
Principle #2 of Neurodiversity-Affirming Family Rhythms: Experiment with different family mealtime routines for autism.
Autistic children and adults alike need structure and predictability. This is due to a combination of sensory sensitivities that make much of life feel out of control, as well as reduced executive function.
But setting up a mealtime routine isn’t always as simple as saying, “Everyone is going to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same time, and eat the same things.” Sensitivity to taste and texture can make a favorite among neurotypical people feel like eating a “package” the dog left out in the backyard for autistic people.
In our house, over the years the three of us have diverged in both mealtimes and what we eat thanks to the varying touchiness of our respective digestive tracts. We’re all hungry early in the morning, and all enjoy nutrient-dense smoothies, so that’s the one meal where we’re more or less on track together. But even then, my husband and son have more nuts and seeds, and we all don’t do well with the same amount of non-banana fruits. So we each make our own smoothie with somewhat different ingredients.
I understand this kind of non-schedule won’t work for a lot of families. In that case, you can have scheduled mealtimes with flexibility. For example, always have on hand a couple of nourishing foods that your most sensitive family members can eat. Also, in the event someone wants to wait an extra twenty minutes or more before they begin a meal, train everyone on how to properly reheat food.
Having healthy snacks available for when someone goes into hyperfocus on a special interest or hobby is helpful, as well.
Principle #3 of Neurodiversity-Affirming Family Rhythms: Provide visual schedules.
A posted schedule which all family members can see becomes a roadmap to predictability.
Too bad I didn’t think of that when our son was younger. That was totally my bad, because as a classroom teacher I was always required to have a daily schedule posted in my classroom.
Maybe not having one at home was a bit of my rebellion against institutional education?
As my son grew older, however, the daily rhythm became a part of him so that he began to do them on autopilot. This included the major parts of the day like mealtimes, study times (we homeschooled) and chore times.
For me, hour-by-hour schedules are a joke, thanks to the ADHD segment of my brain. I stick to mealtimes like superglue, but when I write, do chores, and exercise depends largely on my priorities for the day and what other extra things (like calling my mother) I have on the agenda.
Still, I have a list of things I’m supposed to get done every morning, another list of things I’m supposed to get done every evening, and a to-do list of tasks specific for the day.
My son, in his late teens as of this writing, has a weekly schedule of the chores and jobs which are his responsibility lying next to his computer on his desk.
But if you have young neurodivergent children in the house, I highly recommend posting a general daily schedule for everyone to see.
BUT…
Principle #4 of Neurodiversity-Affirming Family Rhythms: Incorporate change.
Autism and predictability go together like peanut butter and jam.
Sometimes, that’s a problem.
So a couple of times a week, intentionally throw a wrench into the schedule. Start gently with younger children, and make the changes more distinct from the usual routines as they get older. This way, they learn to be flexible, to go with the flow when the day’s current starts pushing them in a direction they’re not used to.
You might give your children (or partner, if relevant) a heads-up the night before about the coming change so they have time to make the mental shift. I had to do so for my son when he was a pre-teen. Now, he can handle a change-in-schedule announcement the day of, even a few hours before.
Principle #5 of Neurodiversity-Affirming Family Rhythms: Support each other’s executive function challenges.
Executive function challenges in a neurodiverse household are as vital to address as sensory sensitivities. Schedules help with this, as do daily routines.
But when you’ve got a child with a short-term memory the size of a flea, a postmenopausal mother whose working memory isn’t much better, and a father who can’t remember to close the front door if he’s got a smidgen of worry in his mind, your family needs more.
It needs patience and understanding.
Until I realized that our son inherited his neurodivergent brain from both his parents, I would get irritated with my husband over his forgetfulness. Now, however, I’ll usually just repeat my request. Or gently remind him, if it’s one of his regular responsibilities that has slipped his mind.
He also has a desktop reminder on his laptop, and will create reminders for me when I’m not sure I’ll remember to, say, turn off a stove burner.
Which is probably eighty percent of the time these days.
Ah, the joys of being a postmenopausal, neurodivergent woman. 😉
Principle #6 of Neurodiversity-Affirming Family Rhythms: Have a family bedtime routine.
Ending the day on a relaxing note is as important as beginning it that way. Whether a super-calming ADHD bedtime routine, or a generally sensory-friendly routine, it doesn’t have to mean every family member engaging in the same relaxing activities. Rather, it means that you all have an agreed-upon light-dimming time, as well as a time when headphones are required for those listening to music or watching videos on their own.
If you want to coax younger children off their screens, you might make playing board or card games as a family part of the evening routine. Or maybe you all listen to a family-oriented podcast or audiobook while the neurodivergent members engage in their favored stimming activities.
Whatever you do, make the hour or so before bedtime a daily part of your neurodivergent household routines.
Life happens; a daily rhythm makes it easier.
Not everything will always go as expected. A turn in weather can cause temper flare-ups. You or your spouse might receive unwelcome news. One of your children might injure themselves.
But when neurodiversity-affirming family rhythms are an established part of your household, the unexpected events don’t cause nearly as many bumps as they otherwise might have.
