Many neurodivergent women begin losing lifelong friends once they hit their forties. Inevitable, or preventable? My story, and my encouragement to help you maintain the relationships most important to you.
The story.
It was my birthday, and my inbox was devoid of an expected email. My friend V had unfailingly for the last umpteen years sent me birthday greetings, almost always on time.
Today she hadn’t.
Neither did she the next day, nor the next.
I knew why. She was angry with me for not getting on the grieving bandwagon with her when the guy we both used to call “pastor” died. My response to her news had been hardly compassionate.
I had my reasons. And in my own way, needed to let her know that we were no longer on the same wavelength.
I never heard from V again. And some days, it makes me sad.
The steaming cauldron of menopausal neurodivergence.
Many women of all brain types experience mood swings, existential crises, and a shift in values or beliefs around age fifty. For neurodivergent women, I think I’m safe in saying that 100% of us do.
And usually to a more intense degree.
By her late forties, my middle sister had stopped communicating with everyone in our family. Since my late forties, I’ve contemplated walking from my marriage on multiple occasions. I’ve had days where I couldn’t have resented my son’s existence more. Women who have had a strong faith in God up until midlife wake up one day and no longer believe.
It’s terrifying. And debilitating.
And makes it really, really hard to give a single damn about anyone else.
Why do so many midlife neurodivergent women lose friends?
I’ve just hinted at part of the answer, but I want to delve deeper into the changes that happen in the brains and bodies of autistic women and women with ADHD.
#1: Estrogen levels drop.
If you’re perimenopausal, you’re coming to realize that estrogen has helped with just about every part of you that gives you a sense of well-being, everything from good digestion to libido to feeling a sense of purpose. Of particular concern to middle-aged neurodivergent women, estrogen helps in the production of the brain’s feel-good neurotransmitters: serotonin, dopamine, endorphins.
And guess which brain chemicals neurodivergent people are already abnormally low in?
Yep. That’s why even when we’re younger, we usually struggle with anxiety and depression. For women, at least, estrogen offers some buffer, because it encourages some production of the neurotransmitters.
Once menopause hits? It’s another story.
And with less serotonin and dopamine to help our mood, it gets hard to figure out why we should try to hang onto friendships when we can barely figure out a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
#2: We lose the ability to mask.
Those of us who figured out how to play the mainstream socializing game did our best for most of our lives. But with the loss of both estrogen and progesterone, we’re too bleeping tired to keep our masks on.
We suddenly become the cranky old lady next door. Even those of us who used to be eternal optimists.
And when those masks fall off, we can no longer tell white lies, beat around the bush, or use euphemisms. Instead, we let our authentic blunt communication show forth. Without meaning to, we end up hurting other people’s feelings.
Including those of our friends and loved ones.
#3: Our beliefs and values change.
Many women in their forties and fifties make shifts in their worldview. Though autistic people are known for their persistence in rigid thinking, they change, too.
I know I have. Not enough to flip my entire world upside down, but enough to affect my friendships.
And the thing with many autistic women is, if they don’t feel that they share common ground with a friend anymore – even a lifelong friend – they don’t want to maintain the relationship.
This is what’s happened to me. I left the institutional church with a feces-like taste in my mouth, and I no longer felt I could relate to my friends who still held to the belief in the importance of Sunday worship and all that entails.
#4: Our friends are changing, too.
Most of our friends are probably going through some stage of menopause, as well. It could be that they no longer have the energy to maintain the number of friendships they had going into “The Change.” They pick and choose the friendships they value the most, and your friendship ends up not being one of them.
It’s a hard, hurtful truth to face, but it does happen.
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Those are the four big reasons that middle-aged, neurodivergent women struggle to maintain friendships. Is there any hope?
Yes, but though my name is Emily, I’m going to be frank: I have little personal experience in what I’m about to say. My encouragement comes from a mix of psychology and common sense.
Five things that help neurodivergent women keep their friends.
1. Say only what’s necessary and kind.
When my former friend emailed me about the death of the church leader, I could have taken on a warmer tone. I could have said, “I’m sorry; I know he meant a lot to you.” But it was winter, and the short days had taken a toll on my serotonin levels. So I let my mood show through.
Again, I’m still not feeling that I want to relate to “church people,” so I don’t regret it. But if you want to keep your friends, don’t blurt out everything on your mind.
Even if it’s true.
Some truths are meant to be personally discovered, not preached about by close friends. (By the way, keeping your peace in such cases is not masking, it’s being considerate and polite.)
2. Ask what you did wrong.
If a friend ghosts you, it may be because you said or did something that inadvertently offended them. If you don’t know, ask, and clear up the misunderstanding.
3. Let them know about your inability to mask.
This might be a difficult conversation. You might assemble a few links to videos and online articles about unmasking and neurodivergent ways of communication ahead of time. Confess to them that much of your communication with them has been you mimicking neurotypical ways of speaking in order to fit in. Explain how you naturally talk more and/or speak bluntly and directly, and that now that you’re nearing or passing through menopause, you can no longer pretend to be someone else. Share the information you’ve gathered as necessary.
Chances are high that a friend your age will understand because she’s lost at least part of her communication filter. And maybe she’s at a stage where she prefers a more direct approach in her conversations.
Regardless of whether your friend is also menopausal, they may ask questions but will in all likelihood appreciate your candor and eventually accept you for who you are. In that case, let your friend know that you care for them and value your friendship, and that if they ever feel put off by something you say to please ask for clarification rather than assuming the worst.
4. Don’t discuss politics or religion.
Even the best of friends can hold to opposing points of view on certain issues. There is no law stating that you have to debate with your friend or ever bring it up. Thanks to lowering levels of estrogen, you are both liable to experience more intense emotional reactions.
Unless you have a history of being able to debate a certain issue without getting upset with each other, agree to disagree and keep those topics of conversation off the table.
5. Keep in touch regularly and lightly.
You’re at a time of life when you probably don’t feel up to a lot of socializing. Instead, put on the calendar to reach out to one or two friends a week, with just a brief “how ya doin’?” text or email. If a chatty, upbeat phone call or coffee date results from your reaching out, great. If not, your friend is going to appreciate being reminded that you’re there and that you care.
Sometimes, we just have to let go.
Not everyone will have the patience or energy to endure a neurodivergent friend for a lifetime. We neurodivergents won’t always have the patience or energy to endure a neurotypical friend for a lifetime… or even one that’s neurodivergent.
That’s okay.
People change.
That’s okay.
You change.
That’s okay.
Friends drop you, then won’t say why.
That hurts, but life goes on.
All you can do is be the best you can be in the moment. Nurture the connections that are most important to you the best you can.
And relish the joys they bring, no matter how small.
Have you had experience with losing friends after hitting your forties or fifties? Got any advice? Feel free to share in the comments!
