It’s common for a neurodivergent woman to unwittingly get stuck in the wrong job. My experience, along with seven things to try if that’s you and you can’t get out.
The story.
For days, I’d been checking my answering machine (remember those?) and mailbox with excited anticipation. I’d been teaching for several years and had always received good evaluations. Why shouldn’t I get the position?
I had to get the position. Classroom teaching was making me crazy. I couldn’t stand the constant noise, the constant pressure. But driving around Dallas, tutoring homebound students? That sounded like a dream come true. The one-on-one teaching part, not the driving part.
I hadn’t told my principal of my attempt to leave the school, wanting to stay on her good side just in case.
Good thing I didn’t. The deadline for hearing an affirmative response came and went. My mailbox remained empty of any correspondence from the school district. My answering machine stayed quiet.
Some other lucky teacher had been given the position. I would have to continue teaching in a classroom, both the overstimulation and the inability to spend large amounts of time outside slowly chipping away at my sense of well-being and my soul.
Sometimes, it can’t be helped.
In my post about career change for autistic women, I mentioned that I could have switched careers – or at least school districts – if only I’d tried hard enough, or hadn’t been victimized by autistic rigid thinking. But perhaps you’re a neurodivergent woman stuck in the wrong job, and really and truly stuck.
By “wrong,” I mean it overstimulates your senses and/or emotions, requires an abundance of social interaction that sends your mind into a frenzy several times a day, and/or pushes your limited and tangled executive function to its outermost abilities.
It’s a job totally inappropriate for the way your brain functions. Or dysfunctions, as the case often is.
There are a variety of legitimate reasons you may have to remain at your job or in your chosen career, at least for now. How do you deal with the stress it causes you?
Following are seven things to try. Not all of them will work for everyone or in every circumstance, but some of them will likely decrease your job-related stress.
#1 strategy for a neurodivergent woman stuck in the wrong job: Learn your “brain overload” signals.
I had a rocking chair in my classroom almost all of the thirteen years I was a schoolteacher, possibly even the year I taught fifth grade math. And I used it. Frequently.
What I didn’t know at the time was that many of the times I sat down in it and rocked, my brain had gone into overload. Since I was a toddler, rocking has been my go-to stim whenever life became overwhelming. When a neurodivergent person is forced to survive in a neurotypical world, that overwhelm is frequent, sometimes constant.
The good news is, once you learn to recognize your personal brain overload signals, you can take small, subtle actions to alleviate that overload.
How do you recognize brain overload? The following are a few examples. Your mileage will vary.
- Colors suddenly are loud.
- The sound of birds singing is like trumpet blasts in your ear.
- The slightest, most benign request makes you feel like exploding with fury.
- No matter where you go, the air stinks.
- Every thought in your head is negative… and each gets worse by the second.
- You can’t remember what day it is.
- A gentle touch makes you want to jump into a blazing fire.
This handy set of cards which you can keep in a plastic zippered bag inside your purse-bag helps neurodivergent women recognize the beginning of brain overload.
What do you do then? That leads us into…
#2 strategy: Perform a sensory reset.
Everyone who is autistic or has ADHD has preferred ways of resetting their nervous system when it gets overwhelmed. Not all ways are healthy (using drugs, for example), but many are not only healthy but also can help you within a couple of minutes or less. And most of those are subtle enough that other people won’t look at you as if you’ve suddenly sprouted a carrot on the end of your nose.
They include:
- Rocking slightly in a chair.
- Taking a walk.
- Stroking a smooth stone or glass jar.
- Chewing gum.
- Listening to relaxing music.
- Tapping a quiet beat on your legs.
- Playing with a fidget toy.
This simple, printable PDF provides a list of such ideas. Fold it up and keep it in your bag, or tape it to the top of your desk, so you can reference it at a glance when you feel a meltdown or shutdown might be in your near future.
#3 strategy: Ask for accommodations.
Are the lights too bright? Do you have trouble concentrating because your immediate work environment is too noisy? Is the main problem being told to execute steps for unrelated projects within a short time frame, rather than being allowed to focus on finishing one task at a time?
It never hurts for a neurodivergent woman stuck in the wrong job to ask for slight changes. Should you do this, however, make sure you have a solution at hand that you’re pretty sure your boss can live with.
The caveat to this idea is that even formally diagnosed neurodivergent adults aren’t guaranteed workplace accommodations. Many employers see autism and ADHD as nuisances or excuses rather than legit disabilities. But unless you have a boss who’s looking for an excuse to fire you, a simple explanation and an easy-to-concede-to request might go far in alleviating much of your work-related stress.
#4 strategy for a neurodivergent woman stuck in the wrong job: Take as many breaks and paid days off as you’re allowed.
This is a tricky one for autistic women. Not only are women in general socialized to be caretakers – a mindset that transfers to the workplace – but also autistic women tend to have a strong sense of loyalty.
This includes to the business or employer that we work for.
Taking time off makes us feel uncaring, less valuable, lazy.
It feels just plain wrong.
It’s not. Especially if you’re in a job that overwhelms your senses and pushes your executive function beyond its capabilities. Take time off whenever you can. You’ll be a much happier, more valuable employee because of it.*
#5 strategy: Don’t bring work home.
If you’re a schoolteacher, this is next to impossible. Trust me; I know. Do the best you can.
Everyone else: if at all possible, stay late at the office to finish a project if your supervisor is breathing down your neck to finish a project yesterday.
Your home needs to be your sanctuary. It needs to be the place where you relax and rejuvenate. If you don’t have a space free of workplace stress, a long, drawn-out burnout is in your near future.
Related to that…
#6 strategy: Make your leisure time leisure time.
- No doomscrolling.
- No researching the veracity of the latest conspiracy theory (hint: there is none).
- No arguing with family.
- No going out with friends unless the people and place won’t overstimulate you.
- No forcing yourself to do unnecessary household chores or projects that you despise (have a set time in your daily schedule for chores).
When it’s your leisure time, relax and have fun. Work on your special interest or favorite creative endeavor. It’s the best thing for a neurodivergent woman stuck in the wrong job.
Wait, no. The last strategy might be the best.
#7 strategy for a neurodivergent woman stuck in the wrong job: change your mindset.
So your senses get overwhelmed on your job. So your career (like mine) isn’t turning out to be as fulfilling as you thought. So you struggle to keep all the tasks you need to accomplish straight.
So what? Even neurotypical people face challenges in the workplace: dealing with scary diagnoses, working while grieving, bullying by the boss, being required to take on more than they can reasonably handle.
What if our trials as neurodivergent women aren’t something to run away from, but situations to learn from? What if they’re preparing us for the future in some way? What if the others on the job need our special way of thinking, our unique creativity, to be more productive themselves? What if they need our words of wisdom – or forthright opinion – to get off their butt and make a positive change in their lives?
In the ideal world, we all have work that we love and that doesn’t have us pulling our hair out and screaming at the sky at the end of the day.
But this isn’t the ideal world. And sometimes – most of the time? – for a neurodivergent woman stuck in the wrong job or career, her best way “out” is to take a 180 on her perspective regarding how she’s currently earning a living.
Where you work might just be the best thing for you, as well as for your boss and your colleagues.
At least for the moment.
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*Yes, I’m aware that some businesses frown down upon employees who take all of their legal time off. In that case, do what you dare to.
