Learning how to say no is critical for the mental health of a neurodivergent woman. Why, and tips on how to do it, in this article.
The story.
I stared at the children’s pastor in disbelief. Blinked. Was he kidding me? I’d been busting my butt teaching Wednesday night children’s church for the past four years, doing a job nobody else wanted to do, and now I was going to have to make up my own curriculum? And like for the past four years, this gig would be on top of my paid teaching job which wore me out every single day. If I agreed to continue on, I would have to give up part of my precious Saturdays to rack my brain trying to figure out how to fill ninety minutes with up to thirty children, from first through sixth grade.
Nice.
I took a deep breath. Eddie was counting on me. And I was apparently the only person willing to give up Wednesday night services to take on the challenge.
“Okay,” I said. “I can do that.”
It was one of the stupidest, unhealthiest “yeses” I ever gave.
Why learning how to say “no” is CRITICAL for the neurodivergent woman.
Get this into your head right now: “no” is not always a negative word. Sometimes, it’s downright positive. Turning down invitations or requests can reap one or more of several benefits:
- Stress reduction.
- It helps keep you focused on your priorities. That means…
- It can help you achieve your goals.
- It empowers you.
- It provides the time and space neurodivergent women need to process and rejuvenate.
- It enables you to live more authentically. Perhaps most importantly…
- Saying “no” can prevent you from ruining your life.
Learning the skill greatly simplifies your life, and in a much more impactful way than a rigorous weekend declutter could ever accomplish.
It’s an important part of self-care for the neurodivergent woman.
The challenge in neurodivergent women learning how to say no.
We understand that learning how to say “no” is important. That boundaries are important. Yet we struggle with the concept more than others. Why?
Autistic women develop disproportionate feelings of loyalty to other people – people who sometimes don’t deserve it. We also have a strong sense of justice. Paired with our rigid thinking, these facets of our mind make turning down requests akin to attempting to scale Mt. Everest with a toothpick and thread for support.
Women with ADHD crave variety and often see various opportunities – to volunteer, to go out with friends, to get involved romantically – as a way to make life more interesting. What we forget time and time again, despite past experience, is that chances are good that we will eventually lose our enthusiasm or energy bandwidth for whatever the thing is we said “yes” to.
The challenge for both types of neurodivergent women is discerning when an opportunity is worth the sacrifice of our time and energy, and when it will be more of a detriment to our well-being than anything.
Maybe not so much HOW to say no, as WHEN.
For neurodivergent women, learning how to say no takes a lot of pushing through Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and the fear of letting people down. It takes a lot of mental work, but like any skill, the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
The weightier challenge is knowing when to say no.
There is no hard and fast rule; every situation is different. However, there are a few questions you can ask yourself that will give you a clearer picture as to whether a person’s request is something you’ll ultimately not regret saying “yes” to.
- What is my immediate gut reaction to the request? Forget all the male scientists and their ignorance regarding women’s intuition. If you’re over the age of twenty-five, perhaps even younger, you’ve learned the hard way that ignoring your gut feeling gets you into trouble every time.
- Do I have the time and energy to fulfill the request? Remember that as a neurodivergent woman, you need more free time to revive your soul and recuperate your brain than most other people. A neighbor asking you the favor of checking on her empty house once a day while she’s on vacation would be an easier “yes” than a friend asking you to serve on a year-long committee that meets twice a month and culminates in a big event.
- Do I have the ability to fulfill the request well? Especially for women with ADHD, this question requires some thought. We tend to overestimate what we can do in the moment. But if someone’s asking you for a long-term commitment – like, say, I don’t know, a pastor of a church asking you to continue teaching once a week indefinitely without giving you a curriculum – tell them you need to time to think about it. And while you’re thinking about it, make a realistic assessment of your skill set and long-term “want to” level.
- Could the request, somewhere down the line, hurt me in some way? Let me give you a hint here, ladies: asks for sexual favors from non-partners (and even sometimes from romantic partners) get an automatic “no.” So do most requests to borrow money. If it feels like someone is trying to manipulate or take advantage of you, they are. Smile and tell them to take a hike or jump in a lake, depending on the surrounding geography.
- Who is making the request? Even if saying “yes” would steal away some of your precious time and energy, it might be worth it to know that you helped a close friend or family member through a tough time. Or that your short-term leadership on a committee helped an organization that is important to you to expand their message or services.
After you make your decision and you need a script to help you know what to say, here are a few ideas:
- “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m going to pass this time.”
- “I really appreciate the invite — I’m keeping things light this week.”
- “That’s not something I can commit to right now.”
- “I’m flattered you asked, but it’s a no for me today.”
- “I wish I could, but I need to rest instead.”
- “My plate’s full right now, but I hope it goes well!”
- “I’m learning to honor my limits — and this is one of them.”
- “I’m not up for that, but thank you for understanding.”
- “That doesn’t work for me, and I’m trying not to overextend myself.” (or simply, “That doesn’t work for me right now.”)
- “No, thank you.”
- “I’m choosing to keep my schedule light this week.”
How learning how to say no simplifies your life.
Decluttering, setting priorities, and living frugally are all well and good. But if you often answer people’s requests with “yes,” your life will eventually become a complicated web of unnecessary obligations that prevent you from engaging in activities you truly enjoy (some of which you need in order to stay sane) and which put you in real danger of burning out.
The corresponding truth is that when you reject invitations or requests that you suspect aren’t worth your effort and time, you free yourself to live more quietly and more slowly. You also free yourself to work on becoming the best person you can be, and doing what is fulfilling to you.
And remember that aside from your chosen obligations and ensuing duties, you don’t owe anyone anything.
